Kyra

I'm so glad that we've established that I'm the biggest bitch to ever roam this earth.

Thank you, and good night. 

my big bro! ♥

So, we got our first midterm back.

I know I didn't study that much - In fact, I hadn't read two chapters in the book, and a huge section of the coursepack. I also didn't really memorize any dates or anything, so I'm surprised I got anything right at all. But I also forgot some really stupid things like how Brunelleschi invented linear perspective, and how the Medici family owned Boticelli's Primavera. And I can't believe I lost two freaking points because I said Jan Van Eyck's Arnolfini Wedding Portrait was from the 1440's instead of 1434.

I'm just frustrated overall with this class because I thought I'd be doing better in it having taken Architecture History [also from the Renaissance] and having studied Art History in AcaDec. I know what I'm talking about, and I bet I can give more background information than anyone else in the class. It's just not translating to paper.

I guess I'm going to have to pwn [haha, duran] the next exam and paper.

Answer some questions, s'il vous plait? [Because you know it's better than that lame thing on FaceBook]

1. What is your favorite movie that no one's heard of? [Smoke Signals or Practical Magic]

2. What song by your least favorite music artist explains how you feel right now? [First of May - Sarah Brightman]

3. If you were trapped in a book, which one, and why? [Le Petit Prince - Antoine de Saint Exupery]

4. What is the theme song to your life? [The Dream's Lost on Me - Blondie or La Vida es un Ratico - Juanes]

5. If you could star in a soap opera of any language, which one would it be, and what character would you play? [Camila, in Tu o Nadie]

6. What would you do if [insert your biggest fear personified here] was chasing you down an endless spiral staircase? [Butterflies, and I'd faint]

7. What language, that you don't already speak, would you like to learn? [Italian]

8. If you could change one thing in history, what would it be? [The political instability of Latin America]

9. If you were a kitchen appliance/utensil, which one would you be? [The Chinese cleaver!]

10. What is your favorite dance move? [Saut de chat]

11. What chemical superpower would you like to have? [The ability to squirt base out of my finger]

12. If you were trapped on a desert island, what one item would you bring? [Emma]

13. If you were an ingredient in a cake, which one would you be? [Sugar, non-organic]

14. What color of crayon would you be? [Ruby red]

15. What TV show do you watch that you are too ashamed to admit? [Any Mexican soap opera, and What Not to Wear]

A little thank you to those who made my winter break special -

Angelina and the Ballerinas [Meggan, Selena, Lauren!, Melissa, Dawn, Ravid, Caitlin, Amanda, Jody, and Kat] - I really enjoyed walking along the canals of Venice Beach, CA with you all. I miss you guys like crazy, and wish that I was in LA more often. Lauren, thanks for saving me from taking a plunge into the water, and from eating dirt on those crazy bridges. Angelina, thanks for having me. You are the best ballet teacher I've had. And the rest of you, thanks for all the talks about life, and other randomness.

Marilyn A - Oh, I'm such a bad influence making you miss school just so I could see you. I'm glad I got to see you before you saw your sister. And, for the record, the Palisades is a scary place. I loved seeing you, cause you live so darn far away! When I come back again, I'll take you out of class. Until then, nos vemos, ya?

The Girls at my party [Adrina, Dana, Lauren, Rebekka, Lucy, Allison, Christine, and Christina] - I love you! I know the baking was crazy, but we had the best gingerbread cookies and chocolate cake I've ever eaten. Christine and Allison, thanks for being the experts and pretty much taking care of everything. Adrina and Dana, although you claim not to be good bakers, it was delish. And you always keep me entertained! Lauren, I see you all the time. Thanks for bringing me home. Lucy, my favorite candid photographer ever. And also, thanks for that lovely werewolf romance novel. I'm going to have a field day with that.

Meggan R - Or should I say mGGnvGGn? You're the most amazing person, and a great friend. I can't wait to see you do some stand up ballet! You'll never read this, I'm sure, but I always look up to you. Thanks for always cheering me up, and giving me the most ridiculous advice ever. And, I love that we can spend hours drooling over Joe. You represent my wild side. I can't wait to see you make it big in New York, baby!

Christina BJ - I know you only came to my party for an hour, but you definitiively made up for it later. Thank you so, so, so much for coming to Bakersfield with me. I'm really glad I had a companion. The cookies you baked were absolutely delicious. I love how we got so excited about the snow, and then were completely shocked about the fog. I'm glad you enjoyed eating at Noriega's. And of course, Dewars! Too bad KK wasn't there, but at least we've got pictures, right?! We need to do it again sometime.

Rebekka M - All I have to say is Rosa Salvaje! I can't believe you decided to brave the scary, scary world of Mexican Telenovelas with me. I'm sorry you had to witness Guillermo Capetillo's extremely hairy (furry?) chest and super short shorts. Laura Zapata is amazing at hyperventillating, and Liliana Abud makes a great bobble-head doll. You need to watch Destinos to re-learn your spanish, and the we can tackle the second half of RS. I'm so happy I spend the last day of 2008 watching the most ridiculous show ever, and eating pasta with avocado. Oh, and thanks for the mini-keyboard! That thing is epic.

I'm sad winter break is over, in about half an hour actually, but I'm pleased that I got to see so many people and I actually had a lot of fun. And to Michelle, Alice (Annie), Austin and Teff...nice seeing you again!

Para Rosa, mi madre

a) Were you that lonely that you thought you needed someone to marry even though he’d treat you like you were worthless?

b) did you marry him?

c) Why did you have sex with him even though you were so mad at him?

d) Why didn’t you have an abortion?

e) Why did you stay with him even though his parents said that he didn’t deserve you?

f) What is the real reason you moved out of Bakersfield?
g) What are you hiding from me?

h) Why didn’t you tell me sooner?

j) Do I remind you of him? Of everything that went wrong?

k) If you could do it all over again, why wouldn’t you have a child with him?

Para Manuel, mi padre

a) Did you love her?

b) Is it true you only wanted a son so he could have your last name?

c) Do you know who I am?

d) Would you care enough to come find me?

e) Would you love me? Be proud of me?

f) Would you beat me?

g) Would you tell me I’m worthless because I’m a girl?

h) Would you let me go to college?

i) Why did you cheat on her?

j) Why did you call her fat? Put her down? Take her money?

k) Do your parents know you have a daughter?

l) Where were you when she had a miscarriage?

Para Elena, Margarita, y Maria, mis tias

a) Why can’t you make something of your own lives?

b) Why don’t you understand that I’m not your puppet?

c) Why didn’t you tell her sooner that he was cheating on her?

d) Why do you think you’re all better than everyone else?

e) Why can’t you accept me for who I am, instead of who you want me to be?

f) Why didn’t you tell me about him?

Para Rudy, mi tio

a) Why can’t you make them stop?

b) What do you know about him that you aren’t telling me?

c) Do you love me as your own child, as you say?

d) Do you think I’m a failure, just like they do?

e) What do you think of me?

f) Why do you keep giving me money – to appease me?

Para mis abuelos

a) Why’d you pressure her to get married?

b) Do I remind you of him?

c) Are you proud of me? 

d) Are you disappointed I don’t speak Chinese?

( 101 cosas sobre mi )

Chem 316 - C
Math 142 - D-
Chem 331 - C

 So I was talking to some one about my life...

I was mentioning to him how I was quite possibly screwed for my finals this quarter. I told him how I was doing in each respective class, and how I never went to my 7 am math class. His response?

                   "Kyra, why are you such a rebel when it comes to taking care of yourself?"

We continued said discussion for a minute or so, and he had another comment:

                    "You know, I think you are a bad influence on yourself."

Well, now I'm sure he's right, but I have no idea what all that really means. Translation please? Any takers?

I never thought there’d be the day when I would say “I miss my piano.” But, alas, it is true. I miss being able to take a break from whatever I was doing, sit down, and just play. It’d usually be the simplest of songs, no doubt. But, it was fun. That’s what I did all summer. I just played whatever songs I felt like. I re-learned some old songs, and tried to finish learning ones I never finished. I’m not saying I’m the best pianist – no, I’m not even close. But I know that when I pour my heart into a song, it comes out beautiful.

 

My favorite song to play is ‘Dreaming’. It’s not a popular song, like say, Mozart’s sonata, or Beethoven’s Für Elise. No, it was a song I learned long ago, perhaps when I was seven or eight. It is simple, really. Sometimes, I find that the simplest songs are the most touching, the most inspiring. I don't play it the same way I did ten years ago, or even five years ago. With everything I've learned over the years, I've transformed the song to reflect my life. The dynamics make the song come to life.

I've always imagined that I'd play this song for someone special. That person has changed somewhat over the years. I just imagine that they are sitting right next to me, and I can just let go. It's almost like telling someone my life story through music. It doesn't matter if I make a mistake, its almost like I've formed a bond with them through the notes, phrases, and dynamics. Each note tells a story, a story I could never convey with words. I still play it for someone, they just don't know.

I need to play this song, I'm craving that feeling again. It's so hard to describe - an emotional attachments to the sounds we call music. Almost like being wrapped in a blanket of love, it makes me feel secure. That nothing bad will happen. It doesn't last forever, it just lingers long enough to taunt me. Then it flees, almost as quickly as it came.

And for that moment, I am happy.

( Rant )

Emily and I just baked a flour-less chocolate cake, and 30 sugar cookies. We've got a bake-off tomorrow on our floor, and I desperately want to kick ass. We're also planning on making a cheesecake, and if we have time, crepes. Ahhhh....the sugar.

One of those iTunes-shuffle type survey things. It's actually funny. Read, and tell me if you agree!

( Take It Easy )

 It feels different and the same.

So lately, and by lately I mean most of this quarter, I've been sleeping excessively.

I'm sure that this is triggered by the fact that some nights I get less than two or three hours of sleep, if any at all. Other nights, the average is around four or five. On weekends, I crash. I don't usually wake up before noon on Saturday, and possibly not before one or two in the afternoon on Sunday. I do have a 7 AM class that I usually don't go to because it's so damn early. Thus, my earliest class is at 8 AM. Since I'm done with class by 10 AM on Monday/Wednesday, and I have a six hour break on Tuesday/ Thursday, I tend to take naps in the afternoon. Usuallly, if it is a Monday/Wednesday, these naps can last up to five hours. Tuesday/Thursday naps vary because I'm usually doing a lab, or go to see professors in office hours.

This past Friday, I slept for 21 hours. Not exactly 21 hours straight, but almost. I woke up around 6:30 PM Saturday evening. I stayed up until almost 4 AM, and didn't wake up until 4 PM later that Sunday. I've also been unusally tired. Most of my thoughts are about sleeping, or wanting to sleep. I've got pictures of me falling asleep, or at least trying to, almost everywhere in the apartment. If I could, I'd probably sleep the days away.

On Tuesday, I went to talk to my faculty advisor. I told him about this sleeping, and the first thing he asked me was 'Are you depressed?" This clearly isn't the first time he's asked me about this. I think we had this conversation last quarter, too. But we were talking about how I don't study, and I responded that I fill most of my time sleeping. I told him I wasn't, but my roommates both asked me the same thing. I know I wear black all the time, hate the world, and what not, but I think I'm a happy person, right? He then suggested that I might have been sick, but I know I wasn't. So, what is the problem?

It has gotten to the point that my roommates will bang on my door to wake me up. If all else fails, they will actually unlock my door and come in. Sometimes, I feel that this is a little invasion of privacy. I'm usually half awake by the time they do this, but come on, really?! And they also know quite well who my advisor is, and they threaten to tell him that I keep sleeping all the time. I have so much respect for him that I wouldn't really try to sleep all day on purpose, but I don't know how to stop it. They've got those pictures as blackmail, too.

A vote for all of you out there - Do you think I'm depressed?

I know I've got some inner demons that I'm wrestling with. I know I've been super moody lately. There are things I'd like to forget about, and sleep is a way of pushing them out mind, out of sight. I've had a lot of mood swings lately too. I can be happy and laughing with my roommies one minute, and then be snappy and freak out at them the next. I noticed that this started happening over the summer, but i thought it was just something random. I love Chemistry as my major, and I'd probably be doing well in it if I had the motivation to study. I don't even want to clean my room. The blinds stay shut most of the day so that once I come back from class, I'm ready to sleep. I know this isn't painting a very lovely picture, but maybe someone can tell me what the hell is going on.

Help?

 I love my roommates, I swear I do. I guess I'm just in one of those moods where everything pisses me off.

1. I just did the dishes. She walks in when I'm doing them, and so I blatantly ask "Why are there so many damn cups here?". She responds by saying that she only uses one cup per week, if not for longer. Excuse me?! I've personally seen her use more than one cup a day! Especially if she drinks more than just water.

2. She brought the dishes for the apartment. Great, at least I didn't have to spend money on it. But really, did she have to buy the most impractical dishes in the world? They are square plastic, and not microwave safe. The bowls are this weird square shape that are impossible to clean, let alone that plastic dishes are hard to clean already. And when it says NOT MICROWAVE SAFE, please, don't microwave them. It's just not safe.

3. "I'm going to be studying all day". I really hate when people bitch about how much work they have to do. If you really had so much work to do, you wouldn't have just gone out with your friends and come home at 11:00 PM. You would have been studying. In your room. It also doesn't count when you do your homework in front of the television. You get distracted. I get distracted enough just by being in my room with the internet! I have stuff to do also, but you don't see me complaining about it.

4. When you're about to be kicked out of the university because you've been on Academic Probation every single quarter you've been here, maybe you shouldn't take 20 units. Maybe. And if you do, please stop telling me how damn stressful it is, because I'm stressed as it is. I'm only taking 13 units, but I've got 9 hours of lab a week.

5. If you didn't want to watch the freaking Star Trek movie, you didn't have to. But you did, so please stop bitching to the world about how incredibly horrible it was, or whatever. I'm over it.

6. Online quizzes are a waste of life. You won't be able to perform under pressure during an exam. And also, what good is it if you can take the quiz a bajillion times over, and the program only records the last [and possibly highest] score?

7. You're a fatass. I am too, but really? You bought cookies when we already had a ton in the apartment. You always give me the smaller portion. That's chill with me, you're going to get even fatter. And stop suggesting to me to go out to a fast food place. I worry enough about my weight, thank you very much.

8. Stop telling me that people with eating disorders should 'go eat a freaking cheeseburger'. Thank you, but no. I do know people with eating disorders, and believe me, you don't know how much it would hurt them to hear that. It's a mental disease. You sound so ignorant when you say that, and quite frankly, you make me want to stab myself. What if I told you depression was just some made up BS? You wouldn't be singing the same tune...

9. You're way too opinionated. I know there is free speech and all, but some of the things you say, or rather assume, about people is really irritating. Just because people don't tell you the reason behind their tattoo doesn't automatically mean that they didn't take the time to think about it. I'm sick of hearing you call people stupid. You know what? I think that tattoo you have is stupid, because you never told me the damn important reason you have for doing it.

10. If you are so poor, please stop spending your money on frivolous things. Did you really need a plush zebra print steering wheel cover? Or new zebra print seat covers? That cost you almost $200, money you could have spent on more useful items. And if you do spend your money on whatever, I would love it if you would stop telling me how you don't have money. Just because my mom makes a ton of money right now, and the fact that my aunts have money, doesn't mean I don't know what it feels like to be poor. 

A. Fill up the damn Brita pitcher! Is it really that hard? Do you have no sense of common courtesy? I swear, please, just do it. I hate waking up and opening the fridge just to see a nearly empty pitcher.

B. Spend some time with us. We don't hate you, we are your roommates after all. And if you're going to be gone all weekend, don't tell me that we never get to spend time together. It's your own fault.

C. Rinse your dishes, or even better, WASH YOUR DISHES. I know you mean to wash them later, but in the mean time, the sink is full of dishes covered in god-knows-what, that I, or others will have to wash. Gross.

I really hate this weather. I don't like the rain. It just makes me more depressed than normal. I really want to come home. I miss Emma, I miss my bed, I just miss it all. I miss not being able to see my FRIENDS. I'll be home for Thanksgiving.

 I'm hoping that this new livejournal will chronicle my adventures as a second year Chemistry major. I'm also hoping that I will use proper grammar, and will sound coherent overall. 

I'm going to try to update at least once a week, and each entry should have a title. I'd like to be able to look back on this and laugh, at my adventures, and not my lack of maturity.

I also have a Blogger account (blogspot.com) which I do update as well. Entries might be cross-posted. Hope you don't mind.